Inevitable Fear

The last thing I feel like doing right now is writing. But my mind is tangled in thoughts and theories and worries and this is how I get them out. I've said before at the beginning of writing this blog that I usually figure out how I'm feeling after I read what I've wrote. Right now, I know what I feel. I just feel the need to get it out of my head and into words. I'm scared.

While I was living it, the past year seemed dull and easy enough to deal with. Looking back, I see how overwhelmed and stressed I've been. I'm the kind of person who will hold every little thing in until one day, every few months or so, I just crack. There's always a build up. Then, there's the downfall. I am in the midst of that downfall and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel like I usually can. I don't often tell people who are close to me how emotionally challenging it is to live the life I'm living. My life appears to be simple and easy to most people from what I gather. Until you are living it, you can't begin to understand the unbelievable amount of stress and guilt that overwhelms me. Over the past year I've experienced pain so intense it was like that of a pregnant woman's labour pains, the feeling of my bones grinding together as if they were turning into dust as I walk, the tingling and inflammed sensations of my muscles cramping, aching and hurting, the effects of insomnia that make you feel as if you're going  crazy from lack of restful sleep, the draining fatigue and terrifying quickened heart rate of anemia, the hormonal crap that is caused by endometriosis and a load of medications that were prescribed by five different doctors. On top of the phsyical, there lays a grave full of emotional symptoms to long to list. 

I know this blog is supposed to be a place you can feel some encouragement, but it's also a place that I have vowed to be honest. I'm scared of what the future holds. I've realized that I spend so much time dreaming up this amazing and wonderful future life in my head. I'm pursuing the degree I want to have the job I've come to desire. I'm passionate and determined to get this life that I may never be able to actually participate in. Dreaming up a fantasy like that is a huge distraction. I can't decide whether it will do more harm or good. I'm glad I can picture myself living a life full of everything I desire but on the other hand, it terrifies me to know that I may never get to have even a little of that picturesque life. 

I've decided that after the new year, I'm going to figure myself out. I need to accept that my body cannot do what I need it to do right now. I can't do the things I want to be able to do. The fear of seeing unknown doctors who will poke and prode at me is staring me in the face. The fear of having a camera shoved down my throat and into my stomach is inevitable. The bloodtests, the needles, the endless questions, the medications, the pain. How can I not be scared? You learn to live with the pain because you have to, but you don't always learn to deal with your emotions. The thing about emotions is you can never fully figure them out, they're always changing. I can only hope that I can find some inner peace to get through this rough patch.

Vacations, Medications + Christmas

Christmas has always been one of my favourite days of the year. The combination of excited anticipation, pretty lights, presents under the tree, warm drinks and endless amounts of food just makes me happy. As some of you have already read, I decided to go on a little trip this year before Christmas. It sounded like a nice way to relax and have fun with some friends in time for the holidays. My trip really was wonderful. We stayed at a beautiful resort with the most friendly staff and amazing views. There was so many options of things to do and places to go. I checked some things off of my mile-long bucket list like snorkelling, swimming with dolphins and visiting the Caribbean! Overall, I loved Cayo Coco and had a very nice time.

Although I managed to participate in new and exciting happenings and have a great time, that did not eliminate the often harsh reality of my life. If you have been keeping up with my blog, you will know that I have been suffering with mostly unexplained stomach pain for about two months now. It started shortly after I began an iron supplement called Proferrin. It started as small twinges of pain, spread to wide spread abdominal pain, then graduated to full-blown agonizing all over abdominal pain. The bad pain lasted for three days, then it petered off and only happened sporatically. Knowing that I would be leaving the country, I got checked out at the hospital to make sure I would be okay to travel and that nothing was going seriously wrong. The ultrasound was fine and I was told that my stomach was producing excess stomach acid. Which I've now learned is known as 'Zollinger Ellison Syndrome'. Antacids were prescribed and I was told that there was a large possibility that the acid had caused a peptic ulcer in my stomach.

Equipped with new meds and slight knowledge of what was going on inside of my body, I excitedly flew to Cuba, ready for a crazy week of fun in the sun. My stomach pain was well maintained for the first couple of days but on the second night, I made the mistake of enjoying a few drinks. You'd think with all inclusive drinks on vacation, having a couple wouldn't be a mistake. But trust me, this had to be one of the worst mistakes I've made in my life. I woke up the next morning to my abdomen in severe pain. It was  an intense squeezing and burning feeling deep in my stomach, low in my pelvic region and high under my ribs. After tecta, zantac, gravol and about a gallon of water I finally managed to get out of bed. This wouldn't be nearly as troubling if I were within the comfort of my own home, in my own bed, with my own bathroom near by and not on vacation sharing a room with friends.

After that whole episode of pain, I went about the day the best I could. Although I avoided alcohol from that point on. Then a new little symptom decided to surface. For some reason my stomach decided that it should torture me by putting myself into an agonized state about 15-30 minutes after I ate or drank anything other than bottled water. This is still continuing now, 5 days later. I started out assuming that this pain was from an ulcer, but this is not a symptom of having an ulcer. That doesn't mean it isn't related but it's a little confusing. 

Like I said, I managed to have a great trip through the pain. But now that I'm home, I'm more ready than ever to figure out exactly what is going on within my body. And that is going to be my biggest goal this new year. I'm foreseeing many hospital visits, doctors offices, needles and tests in my future. The theme of my blog is brutal honesty, so here it goes. I love the Christmas season and I would love to be that person who has a great vacation, no complaints and is fully positive and happy the majority of the time but this isn't always the reality. On this Christmas day I am beyond grateful but I'm also discouraged, hurting and nervous. A happy circumstance doesn't negate the harsh things. But I will keep focusing on the little things and they joy that they bring because life goes on whether we're ready for it or not.

Vacation Prep + Vertigo

It's been a long few days and things have been busy! I spent all day at work Friday and left town Saturday morning for Christmas shopping and a surprise party and then back home this morning. I'm leaving the day after tomorrow to head to Cuba for a relaxing week. In three days time I'll be on the beach, in the sun, sippin' on a Pina Colada. Needless to say, I'm more than excited.

One of the things that sucks the most about dealing with chronic illness is the new symptoms that begin to develop. You never know when you might wake up with a new symptom that you don't understand. I had an exhausting few days with not much sleep and continuous stomach pain from stomach acid and a peptic ulcer. This morning , the plan was to wake up early, pack up the van and head back home (I was out of town for the night). I woke up and turned off my alarm, fell back asleep and when I woke up later I felt completely awful. I stood up and was so unbalanced that I fell over. My head was spinning and felt heavy. It was a major case of vertigo, which I have never experienced before. I've been dizzy before but this was taking it to a whole new level. Vertigo is something I've inherited from my mother and grandmother, they have both suffered with it seriously for years on and off. Even to the point on having their licence taken away because the vertigo gets so intense that it's like driving drunk. Feeling that way really scared me and I'm hoping it isn't something that starts to occur regularly.

After about half an hour it began to go away but I had a headache for the rest of the day and felt completely exhausted and out of it. It's frustrating for me to feel so sick right before my big trip to Cuba. I'll be praying and hoping that I feel great for my week away. I am more than ready to drop all my worries, responsibilities and insecurites for a week and just have fun! I'm hoping I'll have the chance to do some new things, for example, SNORKELLING! 

Last night while I was trying to fall asleep I began thinking about things that I could do to make my life more enjoyable in the new year. They are not resolutions but more like goals and guidelines. I find that when I take the time to write out and reflect on my goals, I am more likely to acheive them or get on that path. I'm not going to share my goals with you just yet. I want to take some more time to think about them until after Christmas. But I'd like to encourage you all to take some time to reflect on yourself this holiday season. I've realized that I need to not only evaluate the things that I do in life like work, hobbies, etc. but who I am and my attitude. It's important to evaluate your own attitude and what is important to you. I hope you all will make some goals/guidelines for the new year as well! :)

I have a lot to do tonight and tomorrow and I'm leaving bright and early Tuesday morning, so I will not have time to post anything. So, I hope you all have a wonderful week and begin to feel Christmas-y and full of love! I am planning on reading and writing A LOT while I'm in Cuba but I'll be taking an internet break as well, so nothing will be posted until I come home. Until Next Time --- HAVE A HAPPY AND WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS! 

If I'm going to be a mess, I may as well be a hot-mess

First of all, I need to apologize that it's been two whole days since I have posted. So sorry! It's been a crazy couple of days. Including resting up after the hospital (catching up on sleep) and rushing back to the hospital yesterday (for my little sister, not myself). But anyway, I'm here now!

One thing that I've always found amusing is that when someone finds out that you have an illness or autoimmune disease and they say, "But you don't look sick." But let me just quote Mindy Kahling here by saying,

"If I'm going to be a mess, I may as well be a hot-mess." - Mindy Kahling

Pause for a second, just so I can tell you that I literally just right now spilled coffee onto my eye. Seriously, how do these things happen?! At least I have now discovered, that coffee works as a great makeup remover. Like I said -- HOT MESS. 

But getting back to what I earlier said about people telling me that I don't look sick -- I really never know how to react to that statement. It's like, are you accusing me of not being sick because I don't look sick or are you complimenting me that I can still manage to look like a normal human being even though I am sick? It's just confusing and I never know how to react. Another thing I get a lot, more so from close friends and family is, "If you feel so bad all the time, why do you put effort into stuff like getting all dressed up and doing your hair and makeup?" Want an answer? Yeah, I feel like crap most of the time. Yeah, I'm exhausted. Yeah, I could be doing other things with my time, like getting an extra half hour of sleep or whatever else. But to me, looking nice is something that gives my life a little more normality. It's something that gives me more routine and makes me feel normal. When you're sick you spend a lot of time in sweatpants without makeup or your hair done. So when you get the chance to get out of the house, you usually try to make it worth your while. 

I wear makeup for myself. I style my hair for myself. Just because my body is sick, doesn't mean I need to surrender to the exhaustion and under-eye dark circles. One of my favourite quotes kind of sums this all up. Here it is,

"I got dressed this morning for myself. Put on eyeliner for myself. Put on my favourite red lipstick for myself. Showed a bit of skin for myself. I wanted to be beautiful for myself."

Thanks for checking out the blog today! And thank you to all those who have been following from the beginning. I am so thankful for all of you! And I hope everyone has an amazing Christmas Holiday! I will be updating and posting until Monday. But I am leaving for my wonderful Cuba vacation on Tuesday -- So I'll be MIA for one week. Have a great day, everyone!

Feelin' Some Type Of Way

"Never apologize for being sensitive or emotional. It's a sign you have a big heart, and that you aren't afraid to let others see it. Showing your emotions is a sign of strength." 
- Brigitte Nicole

One thing that really frustrates me about our world is the belief that in order to be 'strong' or 'independent' you must be emotionally-distant and mysterious. I have been through periods in my life when I was emotionally wide-open and extremely naive. A lot of young girls believe that everyone comes with the best intentions and that every boy they meet, could be the right boy and that every friend they make will be loyal and will be the greatest friend ever for the rest of their life. In a way, I miss being that hopeful. I haven't lost that completely though. I understand that there are still wonderful people in life and that you never know who someone is and what purpose they are going to have in your life until you let them in. I went from being the open, trusting young girl to becoming a closed-off, walls-up, over-protectively-guarding-my-heart kind of young women. Both of these situations caused me a lot of grief and a lot of heartache.

I grew up hearing the phrase, 'guard your heart'. It was never something I really took seriously or understood until later in life. Even when I thought I began to understand what it meant, I may have taken it a little too seriously. When you continually get hurt by people that you trust, it makes you hold your emotions closer and put those walls up and begin to guard your heart. Over the last year, I have come to realize that guarding your heart too protectively can cause more harm than good. It causes you to feel like no one is every going to understand the way you feel, it makes you feel like you will be judged for your emotions and the things you are sensitive about.

I'm sick of feeling like if I say what I am feeling, I will be judged. Being able to express how you feel is important and it's also important to share that with the people you love and the people close to you. I am making a goal to begin to share more of my feelings with those that are close to me, even when I maybe feel guilty, embarrassed or ashamed of how I feel because expressing yourself and being open and honest does not mean you are weak, it means that you are strong enough to take care of yourself. You are strong enough to know what you want and you realize that taking care of your mental health is just as important as taking care of your physical health.

"Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, I feel continually shhh'ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy-washy. Blah blah. Don't let someone steal your tenderness. Don't allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more valuable than allowing yourself to be truly affected by things. Whether its a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all -- look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love." - Zooey Deschanel

Hospitals Suck

Late blog post!! Due to the fact that I am currently in a hospital bed and just had a large needle taken out of my arm-- this blog post is going to be a late one. I woke up thinking today was going to be a good day. The beginning was good. I went christmas shopping and got some new clothes to take on vacation. Once I got home I started to feel bad. Really fatigued like I had overdone it. Back story: I've been having unusual stomach pains for a couple weeks now and they had subsided, now they're back. These pains are getting more intense and inflamed. Normally I would wait it out and just go back to the doctor but this kind of pain is making me nervous. And one thing I've learned from being chronically ill is that it's best not to wait when your health lies in the balance. Also, I'm leaving the country next week and if I'm in agony while in Cuba -- I will be one unhappy lady. 

Anyway, I just had blood taken (a lot of it) which is kind of terrible for my Anemia (low iron) and makes me feel really lightheaded every time. My feet are frozen cause this hospital is so darn cold. My stomach is going nuts and feels like there's a tiny ball of fire with little legs running up and down and all around my abdomen. Sounds fun, doesn't it? ;) And to top it off, I get to be here all by my lonesome. 

Honestly, I don't know what the real purpose of this post is. I'm just sitting here, passing the time away by typing this out on my phone and hoping that the doctor will come in soon and figure out what the heck is going on inside of me. 

Being sick is annoying because it interrupts your life constantly. You'll make plans and have to cancel last minute because you're suddenly in pain. You'll be at work then out of nowhere you lose your focus and get a drilling migrane. You'll be at home enjoying a netflix marathon in your comfies when you get a pain that makes you literally fear for your life. Being sick is just as emotionally painful as it is physically. On the way to the hospital tonight, I cried. I don't cry a lot. I don't really even understand why. Yes, I'm in pain but I didn't feel like that was why I was crying. Maybe because I knew that soon I would be sitting in the hospital alone. Maybe because I knew I would have a giant needle shoved into my veins soon. Maybe it was because I don't understand why God chose this life for me. 

This life is the one I have been given and I am grateful for it. But I often wonder what purpose God has in me living this way. I hope it's so I can step out of my comfort zone and help others get the help and support that they need.

I don't know about you.. but I'm feelin' 72

It's funny how I can more closely relate to the life of a seventy year old than someone my own age (I'm twenty one). When I walk up the stairs my knees pop, my back aches and my ankles snap. My parents always say they can tell when it's me coming up the stairs because you can hear me before you see me.

One thing people don't understand about Rheumatoid Arthritis is the difference between Rheumatoid and Osteo Arthritis. Osteo Arthritis develops because of wear and tear on the bones over the years and Rheumatoid Arthritis is completely different. Rheumatoid Arthritis is an Autoimmune disease. Autoimmune disease is a disease resulting from a disordered immune reaction in which antibodies are produced against one's own tissues. Pretty much, when someone has autoimmune disease, they have an antibody in their blood that causes their immune systems to work differently than it should. For example, if I am exposed to a certain bacteria or viral sickness, instead of my immune systems fighting it off, it gets sick. This antibody causes the immune system to attack your own organs, tissues and bones. Making you more susceptible to viral infections and problems like lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, etc. 

I've been starting to learn more about RA for about a year now. I started having a lot of pain last year that was unexplained for a long time. This was/is a combination of RA and fibromyalgia (a syndrome characterized by fatigue and chronic pain in the muscles and in tissues surrounding the joints). Having these types of pain can be really freaky. At first, I tried to justify the pains by thinking 'maybe I ran into to something' or 'maybe there's a bruise there', then you start thinking, 'what if there's something wrong, like a torn muscle or a bone fracture?', then suddenly in the middle of intense pain, it stops. And you feel better for a while. Which makes the situation even weirder and harder to understand or explain.

I can be walking around and doing my thing, feeling fine and then out of nowhere it feels like someone shoved a giant screw under my knee cap. Because of this, I end up hobbling around like a little old lady. Sometime's the pain lasts for a couple hours, sometimes its half an hour, sometimes its a few days. But whatever it is, it always sucks and makes life a lot harder than it should be. 

Maybe this post hasn't been very humorous or entertaining but I recently talked to someone who was really frustrated about people not understanding how different RA is from other types of arthritis. I always get comments like, "Oh my grandma has that and she just takes tylenol and she feels fine". More likely, your grandma has Osteoarthiritis, which 50% of people over the age of 50 develop. RA is not something to mess around with and wait to get a disagnosis for. Many people who suffer from RA need surgeries such as shoulder and hip replacements. It is a serious disease that can affect people at any age and change their lives dramatically. Please, if you think you or someone you love may be experiencing RA, pursue further information. Get your tests done and figure out what may be wrong. I wouldn't wish RA upon anyone; it's one of the hardest things that I have to deal with in my life.