Today I realized that it has been weeks since I wrote and that there is something that is so not normal about that for me, but then I also realized that it's kind of super exciting at the same time. Why is it exciting that I've been forgetting to update my blog? Because I feel great.
I FEEL GREAT. Did I just say that?
Over the past year or so that I've been writing this blog I often found myself writing in the midst of a flare that left me in bed for days on end or after a tough day when I felt like I just needed to get it all out. The thing is, I haven't had one of those days in a while now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not healed. I still have symptoms that I deal with every day but I feel better than I used to. I feel happier. I feel more and more like my old self every day. Not even just my old self though; it's like the good parts of the old me are resurfacing and the good, stronger, wiser parts of the new me are here too and they are mingling and turning me into someone who is happy and excited about life. And I have missed that feeling so much more than I can describe.
Something that a lot of people who deal with chronic illness or pain live with is the feeling that their life and who they are as a person has been stolen away from them. We end up having to leave our jobs, spend less time doing the things that we love, spending more time resting and dealing with our health problems, cancelling plans and putting our lives on hold. All of this leaves you feeling so empty and so hopeless. It leaves very little to be excited about or hopeful about in the future.
My last few years were spent dreading the future because I thought the future included feeling worse and worse for the rest of my life and never having an answer as to why I felt so horrible. I missed the person that I used to be. I missed going out with friends and actually enjoying it and having the energy to keep up with them. I missed having the patience and energy to spend time with my younger siblings and be there for them when they needed me. I missed laughing, feeling happy, being excited about something. I missed feeling useful and like my life had a purpose. I missed feeling hopeful.
The last few weeks though have been full of new and exciting things. I have been getting out of the house more than I have in years, I have been pursuing new experiences and looking into my many, many options for the future, I have been laughing and smiling and feeling excited about life again. It's amazing to me to look at the way I felt a few months ago and compare that to how I feel now. I was stuck in a pit of depression. I felt alone, useless, hopeless and ready to end it all. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. And now, everything is different. All I can see right now is light. I can see the good. The good in every day and the good to come in the future.
God comes through, guys. He always come through.