Friday, March 18, 2016

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions..

Like a lot of people, I am the kind of person who does not like to make decisions. Especially decisions that need to be made under a time constraint or when I feel like I don't have enough information at the time of the decision making. So, the last couple of days have turned me into a ball of stress because decisions need to be made. Decisions, decisions, decisions...

Over the past month as I've been working on my happiness, I've considered a few options of what I could potentially spend my summer doing. Working full-time at a normal job is still unfortunately out of the question, so I've been considering some not so typical jobs that provide a little more flexibility. I ended up coming across a really sweet opportunity and the one position that was still open happened to be the only one I was really interested in. I'm not going to get to much into the job itself because the decision technically still has yet to be made, but I'm going to discuss why this decision has brought so much stress upon me.

This job would be one that I could physically manage which is a huge thing for me to consider right now. This job would require me to live away from home for 2 months which isn't a huge deal, but when you are chronically ill having the comfort of your home and your own bed is kind of a big deal. This job would allow me to be creative and it would be super fun. This job doesn't pay that much but it's more about the experience, in my opinion. There are a lot of pros for this job, but of course, naturally, as someone with anxiety, the cons creep into my mind as well and I can't help but think about the hard parts and the parts that make me nervous.

The thing is, when you are chronically ill, it is super important to look at things realistically. Especially things that require a commitment. I have made the mistake in the past of committing to something that at the time sounded great, and then realized later on that I was not fully capable of living up to the standard expected. Which leads to having to get out of the situation, a whole lot of panic while you're in the situation, etc. So, I've been hesitant in committing to this job and that is why. I find I either overthink or under-think and I'm working on finding the balance between the two while trusting that God will guide me in the way He wants me to go.

There are many reasons why this new opportunity is scary to me. Here is an honest list of why I am scared of out my socks about this opportunity:

- Living away from the comfort of my home
- Leaving my comfort zone physically and emotionally
- Meeting and befriending new people
- Giving up the freedom I currently have when I need a sick day in bed

Okay so, the first three reasons are perfectly normal reasons in my opinion and the last just makes me go 'uggghhh' and want to cry because it is a very legitimate reason for me. The thing that really sucks about finding a job when you are ill is the fact that you never feel like you're a dependable employee or just a dependable person in general. And that is a really crappy feeling. But I'm hoping and praying that I'll find some comfort and peace in this situation and about this opportunity. 

And I guess because I made a list of why I'm scared I should make a list of why this job would be awesome:

- Free room and board
- Free food
- Meet new, cool people
- Live the simple life
- Free coffee
- Literally making crafts for my job
- Hanging out with kids all day
- Private beach
- Fun times
- Awesome community

...... So, I think you all know what I'll end up deciding but I've just got to take some time to pray it all out and give it to God and accept the fact that sometimes we just need to take a risk.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Happy Things

Hello lovelies, 

For a while now I've realized that a lot of my blog posts can be a little.. harsh. Of course, if you've stuck with me from the beginning you've heard my mantra about not sugar coating things and being completely honest. Honesty is something I really appreciate and think is a super important quality to have. I have opened up a bit in the past about my struggle with depression. About a month ago, I took a big step and decided to start an anti-depressant medication. There tend to be a lot of stereotypes about anti-depressants and I've heard a lot of horror stories about them as well. This wasn't a decision I made lightly. After talking it through with my councellor and my doctor and considering it for months, I decided that this was a step that I was ready to take. It's been a month now and I can honestly say that I feel true happiness for the first time in years. I definitely credit the anti-depressants for part of this transformation but I also have to give credit to God and to myself for this change. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want people thinking that I started an anti-depressant medication and now suddenly I am a happy and joyful person who is full of smiles and rainbows. It has been a challenge but it has been really rewarding. 

I don't want to get into it too much because starting an anti-depressant is a very personal decision, but part of the reason I decided to start is because I found myself trapped in depression and weighed down by a lack of motivation. I felt so trapped by this because there are a lot of things I'd like to do in my life. I have a mile-long bucket list. Feeling a lack of motivation to that extent was just so hopeless. Anyway though, I knew I needed to make a change. The first part of this change was the medication and the second part was me fully realizing that in order for my life to change, I needed to make a change. I needed to change. I knew that suddenly making a huge change wouldn't work and I wouldn't be consistent with it. I started changing small things each day. I figured, if I'm home and not working, I have all the time in the world. It always seems like I don't have time to do the things I want to do but that's been because I haven't made the effort to do them. So, I began with little things like flossing my teeth every day after I brushed them. Washing my face morning and night no matter how tired I was. Doing little things that made a positive change. One of the biggest things that I have found helpful during this time has been setting aside time to be without my laptop or cell phone or tv. I've developed a habit of going to my room each day, lighting a nice smelling candle, putting on some music and just doing whatever I feel like doing. Sometimes I colour in an adult colouring book, sometimes I journal, sometimes I pray, sometimes I read, sometimes I just lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling, sometimes I tidy.. I do whatever in that moment I feel will make me happy or just more content. 

I've realized that no matter how often our lives feel unorganized, messy and up in the air, we can still find happiness. Happiness is not always about the big things. Happiness doesn't have to mean you have your dream job, your dream man, your dream house, your dream body and your dream group of friends. Happiness doesn't mean you've met all of your goals and are at the peak of success. Happiness doesn't mean life is perfect. 

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I know that a lot of my blog posts can be sort of depressing and dark and sad. I don't want that to always be the case. I think a big part of that was the depression talking but I'm working on making changes so I'm going to try to incorporate that into my blog as well. So, below, I'm going to list some really random things that make me happy. Some of these will be activities, some of them are just beautiful things, some of them are totally random. But they are happy and happy is good.

Happy things:
- Freshly washed bedding
- The first sip of coffee in the morning
- Long walks on a nice day
- A playlist of your favourite songs
- A clean room
- A scented candle
- Photos of loved ones and happy moments
- A fresshly washed face
- Yummy smelling body wash
- Colouring/Doodling
- Helping someone
- Hugging someone
- Dancing in your underwear (Seriously)
- Hanging up your favourite quotes or verses around your room
- Opening a window and letting in the fresh air
- Perfume
- Creating something (a craft, a meal, art)
- Perfecting a recipe

Feel free to comment or leave a list of the little things that make you smile!