Friday, March 18, 2016

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions..

Like a lot of people, I am the kind of person who does not like to make decisions. Especially decisions that need to be made under a time constraint or when I feel like I don't have enough information at the time of the decision making. So, the last couple of days have turned me into a ball of stress because decisions need to be made. Decisions, decisions, decisions...

Over the past month as I've been working on my happiness, I've considered a few options of what I could potentially spend my summer doing. Working full-time at a normal job is still unfortunately out of the question, so I've been considering some not so typical jobs that provide a little more flexibility. I ended up coming across a really sweet opportunity and the one position that was still open happened to be the only one I was really interested in. I'm not going to get to much into the job itself because the decision technically still has yet to be made, but I'm going to discuss why this decision has brought so much stress upon me.

This job would be one that I could physically manage which is a huge thing for me to consider right now. This job would require me to live away from home for 2 months which isn't a huge deal, but when you are chronically ill having the comfort of your home and your own bed is kind of a big deal. This job would allow me to be creative and it would be super fun. This job doesn't pay that much but it's more about the experience, in my opinion. There are a lot of pros for this job, but of course, naturally, as someone with anxiety, the cons creep into my mind as well and I can't help but think about the hard parts and the parts that make me nervous.

The thing is, when you are chronically ill, it is super important to look at things realistically. Especially things that require a commitment. I have made the mistake in the past of committing to something that at the time sounded great, and then realized later on that I was not fully capable of living up to the standard expected. Which leads to having to get out of the situation, a whole lot of panic while you're in the situation, etc. So, I've been hesitant in committing to this job and that is why. I find I either overthink or under-think and I'm working on finding the balance between the two while trusting that God will guide me in the way He wants me to go.

There are many reasons why this new opportunity is scary to me. Here is an honest list of why I am scared of out my socks about this opportunity:

- Living away from the comfort of my home
- Leaving my comfort zone physically and emotionally
- Meeting and befriending new people
- Giving up the freedom I currently have when I need a sick day in bed

Okay so, the first three reasons are perfectly normal reasons in my opinion and the last just makes me go 'uggghhh' and want to cry because it is a very legitimate reason for me. The thing that really sucks about finding a job when you are ill is the fact that you never feel like you're a dependable employee or just a dependable person in general. And that is a really crappy feeling. But I'm hoping and praying that I'll find some comfort and peace in this situation and about this opportunity. 

And I guess because I made a list of why I'm scared I should make a list of why this job would be awesome:

- Free room and board
- Free food
- Meet new, cool people
- Live the simple life
- Free coffee
- Literally making crafts for my job
- Hanging out with kids all day
- Private beach
- Fun times
- Awesome community

...... So, I think you all know what I'll end up deciding but I've just got to take some time to pray it all out and give it to God and accept the fact that sometimes we just need to take a risk.

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