Saturday, March 28, 2015

Surgery!!

It's been a long time coming, but I finally have a surgery date! On April 30th I will be undergoing a laporoscopic excision surgery to remove endometriosis from the outside of my uterus, ovaries and bladder and possibly from many other sites as well. During my last surgery endometriosis was confirmed to be found on my uterus, ovaries and bladder but this past year my symptoms have increased which causes us to believe that the endometriosis has spread to my bowels, colon, sciatic nerve and a variety of other small spaces. As sucky as it is to undergo surgery and have to deal with recovery; I am extremely excited for the possibility of my health improving. I know that because I have multiple chronic illnesses this surgery will not solve all of my problems. But I also know that there is a huge chance that my quality of life will improve greatly. I've made it a goal this year to talk more and spread awareness about my illness because people need to be informed; but the one thing I don't often talk about relating to my illness is how much affects me emotionally. It's hard to talk about being beaten down emotionally, espeically when it's something that is completely out of your control that is beating you down. Especially when it's your very own body that is spiraling you into depression, anxiety and self-loathing. March is endometriosis awareness month and I know that March is ending but I'd like to repost something that I posted on my instagram earlier this month. I posted an ecard that at first made me laugh a little then caused me to really think about how unfairly women with endometriosis and many other illnesses are treated. The ecard said: "I'm so happy I got this debilitating illness so I can stay in bed for the rest of my life instead of participating in society and making a difference," said no sick person ever.

First of all, I just had to laugh. But if you have a chronic illness, you know how true this is.

It is so frustrating to me when people assume that I have chosen the life I am living at this moment. People assume that I choose to work part-time, that I choose to live under my parent's roof, that I choose to "sleep in" all the time, that I choose not to be active and that I choose to live the life of someone who is chronically ill. But let me tell you; my heart breaks when I begin to think about all the things that I'm not able to do anymore. My heart breaks a little every time I realize that I won't be able to pursue a career until after multiple surgeries and pain therapy, when I wish I had a nice place of my own and felt independent, when I wake up in the morning feeling like I barely slept because I spent the night tossing and turning in pain and consumed with insomnia and anxiety of what my life consists of, when I make the effort to exercise and I end up curled in a ball on the bathroom floor passing bloodclots and writhing in pain. The chronically ill do not choose to live the life of someone who is chronically ill. We have no choice but to give life all we've got and take care of ourselves the best way we know how. So instead of saying to someone who deals with illness, "you're so lucky you get to stay home all day." Think about how it would really be to be ABLE to do the things that you take for granted each and every day. Maybe then, you will begin to see how it feels to be chronically ill.

So over the next month, I will be awaiting surgery and researching and ALSO, on a completely different note; I will be becoming an aunt! Which is so exciting. So this month is filled with positives for me. I know recovering isn't fun but there's always rain before a rainbow and I am SO ready for that rainbow.

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