Monday, September 28, 2015

Another day, Another journey

Here I am, a week and half jobless, and stressing like I'm going crazy. Anxiety is a funny thing because even when you remove the things that usually stress you and cause anxiety; your brain finds something else to be anxious about. Since I've started my 'season of change', I've thrown myself into a couple of new things. The biggest thing being cooking. I've been cooking up a storm almost every day. It's been fun and it seems to keep my mind on something else that I can be proud of and feel in control of. So that's a good start. The next new thing has been counselling. Now, I've only been to one session so far but I was basically told, "You definitely need to come back again." As in, "You need help." Which is completely accurate at this point. 

Over the last year I have felt that it was important for me to speak out about my illness. There was a lot of reasons that I did this. The biggest reason was that I believe that Chronic Illness shouldn't be a topic that makes people feel uncomfortable. It should be a topic that we can discuss openly because so many people suffer with chronic illness or chronic pain. Another reason being that for someone living with a chronic illness, it can be very isolating and make you think very badly of yourself. We don't purposely talk down to ourselves and hate on ourselves; but when your body physically can't or is seriously pained to do the things you want it to do, you tend to blame yourself. I decided that throughout my journey; the words that I would say could either be depressing and self-loathing or they could be all about the honest struggles, triumphs and emotions that come along with the journey. From what I've heard and from what people have said to me, I have been able to help them understand a little better what it is like to live with illness and how they can better support friends and loved ones who may be in the same or similar kind of position as I am.

Now, my blog has been an outlet for me and I've stated that many times. I love being able to write openly and honestly about how I feel. This blog isn't always read and that's okay because I do it for me more than anything. Although, I do feel that getting it out there could impact a lot of lives. It can offer understanding for those who feel the same way. I hope that over the next little while my blog continues to be just as honest and forward as it is now. There are always ups and downs and I try my hardest to be open about them. As I start this new season of life where I am going to counselling, taking a break from working, pursuing treatments and options and learning to accept who I am and what my life is without putting my whole identity into being a "sick person", I will continue to update this blog and share the journey.

I know I make this "journey" sound lovely and insightful in the above paragraph but really it is anything but that. Already in the time that I've stopped working I've had multiple doctor's appointments, new diagnoses, new medications, multiple anxiety attacks, I've fully broken down about 4 times, cried in a public place, fainted at the doctor's office, finally opened up and broke down in front of my mother, begun to talk about taking a break from work, seen a counsellor, realized how messed up my head has been because of this, realized that my identity has been seemingly lost in the fog of chronic illness and also, I've done more cooking than I ever have in my life. And this is a big mess of all the things that I am trying and going through all to improve my quality of life. It would mean a lot to me to have your continued support. Being 21 (almost 22!) and not working and living at home automatically makes me feel guilty and it is not an easy path for me take. I am trying to be okay with it, and I hope that you all can support me in that.

I also want to say how much I appreciate every single one of you. Every person who has read this blog, every person who has asked me how I'm feeling today, every person who has donated to my cause, who has encouraged me to do things that I am afraid to do, every person who has let me vent and every person who is praying for me. I appreciate you all so much and I could not continue on this journey without the support of all of you. You guys really do get me through and I want to thank you for your love and understanding.

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