Thursday, June 18, 2015

A Confession Of Sorts

I really don't like writing blogs that sound depressing and hopeless.. but it's hard not to sound that way when the feeling of depression and hopelessness are all encompassing.

Depression is something that I have fought on and off in my life. It hasn't been a big problem though in the last three years and I thank God for that. Unfortunately, over the last couple months, depression has made it's way back into my head and body and it feels like it is crushing me to my very soul.

depression - intense feelings of sadness and worthlessness – so bad that you have lost interest in life

Worthlessness.... That's what breaks me.

worthlessness - is a state of being unimportant and useless

I would hope that the world would be able to recognize why so many people living with chronic pain/chronic illness struggle with depression (and anxiety). Honestly, a lot of people in the last few months have questioned me about my emotional well-being and I never really felt completely beaten down until recently. Sometimes I'll be having a hot bath to try to relax my body and the pain I've been feeling when I start to cry. I'm not crying because I am in pain. In fact, most times I cry, it's not just about the pain. I cry in frustration and hatred of the body that I live in. There is no escape when you're personal torment is the body you've been given to live your life in. This is what is so hard about chronic illness and depression. There is no escape.

Even as I sit here, typing out my thoughts, my eyes are full of tears. I have cried more in the last three weeks that I have in the last three years. I am hurting not only physically but emotionally. I've lost my desire to look forward to a better life. I've lost hope that I will begin to feel better soon. Just a couple months ago, I remember writing about how ready I was to feel better and to recover. How excited I was for this summer because I would finally be able to get out and do things like a normal person. How happy I was that my pain would no longer confine me to a couch. After surgery, I kept my hopes up and stayed positive. I knew that recovery can be bumpy sometimes. The pain I had to go under for, I was no longer feeling but there were new and different pains. I decided that it was just the pain of something with an easy-fix and the pain of regular recovery. Until the ultrasounds results came back and showed new growths already and cysts lining my left ovary. In a matter of days, I began to experience extreme pelvic, hip, leg and abdominal pain from what we had diagnosed as Endosalpingiosis. Even though every last bit of it had been removed from my organs.

This pain is continuing even now. As this happened, I knew I needed to follow up with my doctor. My doctor (my favourite and most helpful doctor so far, until now) explained that there is nothing else he is able to do for me unless I want to have a hysterectomy at the age of 21. Which for those of you who don't know what a hysterecomty is; it is the removal of a woman's uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes and sometimes even the cervix which would render her completely infertile.

And even then, the pain may not stop.

I think that rightfully so, I am feeling quite hopeless and heartbroken at the fact that this is the life I am living right now. I am having a very difficult time trying to live with a bit of normalcy. And again, I don't like writing a blog post that feels completely and utterly negative, but this blog is my emotional outlet more than anything and in order to get my emotions out into the world, this is how I need to do it. And this is how I feel. So I'm not going to end this post with some fake positivity and pretty words, I'm going to end it like this.

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