Since yesterday I have been on quite the emotional rollercoaster. I have been meaning to write this blog post since I got back from my doctor's appointment yesterday afternoon but instead I tried to de-stress by working out. I ended up bawling on my bedroom floor on my yoga mat. (Just so you know world, exercise does not relieve stress for everyone)
Anyway, if you're wondering why I broke down and bawled instead of working out I'll tell you. But first, we're going to have to go to the beginning.
Well, not the actual beginning but the beginning of this story.
I am in the process of applying for Disability. I am not currently working so that I can focus on my health and get some answers and treatment, etc. Which leaves me feeling very poor and sad and not at all independent. But, it's something I need to do right now. Applying for a disability is a very stressful process, especially when you do not look disabled. When your disability can only be seen when someone slices you open and looks inside, it is not easy to get Disability Benefits. Therefore, I've been pretty stressed.
I had an appointment yesterday with my general practioner so we could go over my Disability Application and to yell at him a little about not fixing me yet. Because sometimes doctors are stubborn. My doctor, can be a very good doctor, but my doctor also tends to put 'bandaids' on bulletholes. In my personal experience with doctors (which is A LOT of experience), a lot of doctors tend to treat a symptom and not the cause. Which really bothers me. If you would treat the cause, the symptom would likely be eliminated or at least not be as bothersome. But instead, they treat the symptom with some medication that leads to more symptoms. And it just sucks. I'm getting off track though.
SO, I went to the doctor's office so I could go yell at my doctor a little. And I ended up crying. Because I'm a human stress-ball at the moment. And when I'm stressed, I cry. Anyway, I think the crying helped because I now have a supportive doctor and many tests coming my way. Sometime's I think a doctor needs to see how much chronic pain affects someone emotionally to understand that something needs to be done.
Something I haven't opened up about yet is the fact that I'm developing a lot of new symptoms that do not seem to be at all related to Endosalapingiosis. Because of these new symptoms I was sent yesterday to be tested for Celiac Disease and to have a Rheumatology Blood Screening. I'm also being referred to a neurologist and being scheduled for an MRI of the brain, neck and spine. Unfortunately, the symptoms that I have been experiencing have been quickly progressing and are mirroring the early symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis.
I want to be clear and say that I am not diagnosed with MS. But it's now something that my doctor feels the need to look into. Ruling out MS or getting a diagnosis of MS is not a quick process. It will take about four months just to get an appointment to have the MRI done. So, I won't have any answers likely until February or March. I'm hoping and praying that there is another explanation for these symptoms. But we need to cover out bases are get some real answers. That's what this time off from work was all about. Answers.
I guess now you probably can understand why I broke and cried on my yoga mat in my bedroom instead of working out. A mix of emotion and frustration. A big thing though that is contributing to these emotions I've been experiencing is the new symptoms I'm having. Feeling like you're not in control of your body is a really scary thing. Imagine laying in bed at night trying to sleep and suddenly you're wide awake because your hand just decided to clench into a fist over and over and over again and you didn't tell it to. You need to choose to tell your brain to act and when it acts without your consent, it's a pretty terrifying experience.
Again, I'm really hoping there is some other explanation for these symptoms. But we need some answers. And that takes time. Over the next few months I will try to keep you all updated to the best of my ability. I appreciate any well wishes and prayers you have! Thanks to everyone who has shown their support.