Scared.

Anxiety can be a very life-altering thing. The same goes for depression. Having both, can feel like your own personal hell. On one hand, you care so much and think so much about every aspect of your life and spend time worrying and wondering about what is going to happen and on the other hand, you feel hopeless and desperately sad and have no motivation to do anything that will better your circumstances because you feel there's no point. So, having both is really hard to deal with.

This is what I've been experiencing. It's not even sadness that I feel necessarily. It's the emptiness. My life feels void of meaning. It feels meaningless and hopeless. Which I guess, makes me feel sad, but I don't feel sad I just feel empty. Like I've got nothing left to give, and no fight left in me. I'm ready to just crawl into bed and hibernate in my fluffy duvet and drown my sorrows in coffee and medication. Which when I think about it, I know is awful. I know I shouldn't. But I do. Because, I don't care right now. I don't care that I spend my days in bed and blocking out my thoughts with netflix or with music. The goals I used to have feel too far off and unrealistic and the motivation I used to have is completely gone.

I'm not sure if it's just been such a long time with no answers that has brought me to this point, or if it's the new progression of symptoms and knowing that I won't have answers for another few months. Maybe a combination of the two. I know that I'm scared. That's one thing I absolutely know I feel. I'm more scared than I have ever been. I've begun to get so fatigued that I can fall asleep at almost any moment, surrounded by any amount of noise (which isn't typical of me at all), I experience muscle spasms and stiffness daily now, I'll be sitting on the couch completely still yet my head will start making me feel like I'm spinning as if I'm drunk and trying to lay down; and to me, the scariest of all has been that my short term memory seems to be deteriorating. Today, I was leaving a message for my councellor and I completely forgot my phone number. My own phone number that I've had for years. The number that I call when I'm out and need to get a hold of my mom or dad. The number I write on every form or online application or anything. The number that I should know off by heart, which I know that I do know. But I didn't remember it at all. I literally began talking and said "You can get a hold of me best at 705-64.... Actually, just call me back on my cell phone since you already have that number." Fully, knowing that my cell gets no service at home and he wouldn't be able to reach me on that number. 

I know, that maybe seems like one small thing. A fluke. But this is happening every day. I'll take my meds, then forget if I took them. Or I won't take my meds, because I think that I already did, and end up in pain because I didn't take them when I should have. I'll be mid-conversation and just stop talking because I forget what I was saying or I can't find the word I was going to say. It's small things but it's getting more noticeable every day. And that, makes me scared.

I've been over things with my doctor and in order to rule things out, all of my Rheumatology blood tests came back negative. All the tests we've run have come back with no asnwers. Nothing out of the ordinary. We've booked an MRI of the brain and cervical spine to be done of February 10th. Which is still months away. Which means months of being unsure and scared. At this point, my doctor has decided to refer me to a Urologist and Gastroenterologist to focus on my other symptoms that we may be able to get some answers about while we wait for the MRI. But the MRI, is going to be done because there is suspicion of something neurological going on.

*Sigh* 

Unfortunately, yet again, I've got nothing happy to end on. I wish I did. I wish I felt happy and positive. But I'm scared. I appreciate any well wishes and prayers that anyone has to offer. I hope that soon, I can find some positivity and hope and answers. Thanks for listening. 


*ALSO, just realized that my last blog post was also titled "Scared"...... sorry.*