Saturday, November 14, 2015

Scared

Since my last blog post I have been avoiding writing another because I had a feeling that I would just break down and cry. And I don't really feel like breaking down and crying. But maybe I just should.

As I mentioned in my last post; I am experiencing some new symptoms that have been quickly progressing and that have been scaring me. I've got a ton of weird things that happen on the regular in my body and I'm used to them, so it's not scary to me. It's my normal. But this, is not my normal, but suddenly it's here and it's very prevalent and it's scary. I think the scariest thing has been that I don't know what is causing the issue. Personally, I am an overthinker. I overthink the silliest and most mundane things. Like, my thought process of whether or not I'm going to shower before bed takes a good fifteen minutes. If I shower, my hair is going to be wet and I might wake up with crazy bed head. Also, my head will be cold while I'm falling asleep and it will make my pillow wet. But if I don't shower before bed, I'll have to wake up an extra fifteen minutes early to shower. But I'll actually have to wake up even earlier in order to sit and have my coffee first. And then I won't get enough sleep and I'll be grumpy. THIS IS ACTUALLY HOW MY BRAIN WORKS. Usually.

So the thing is: when something is happening to me or going on in my life I like to know why it's happening. I need answers and explanations. All of these things are happening to me and I have absolutely no explanation for them. The things that are happening are the kind of things that end up making you feel like you're going legitimately crazy. I actually have felt seriously mentally unstable. This could be explained by so many things but likely, it's being magnified by the fact that I'm stressed and dealing with anxiety and depression. Which all of those things are being magnified by the fact that everything is unanswered. It's a vicious cycle. Anyway, because of all of this, I've been thinking and overthinking. I know that I won't have an answer for another four months or maybe even more. But I feel like because things are progressing so quickly and changing so suddennly that I need to know what the possible outcomes might be. I want to know if this will continue happening, can it be stopped or prevented, is this something that I'll have to live with for the rest of my life? I want to know these things.

If I were you reading this right now, I'd likely be wondering what about this makes me feel like I'm going mental. I'll try my best to explain myself. Do you ever have one of those days when you wake up and you just feel off? You don't feel like yourself. Maybe it's because your coffee didn't taste right or you didn't get a coffee and you usually do, maybe it's because you barely slept and have a massive headache and can't function normally, maybe it's because you had an anxiety attack and are feeling emotionally drained. The last week especially, I've had that feeling. I just don't feel like me. I am ridden with anxiety, I'm weepy and crying, I have a constant headache, I am completely exhausted one hundred percent of the day, I'm irritable and grumpy and impatient. I feel like yelling at everyone about everything. I feel like I'd rather just stay in my bed all day long and not talk to anyone, see anyone, or think about anything at all that has to do with reality. But being alone just brings out the reason why I feel like this. My body is acting seriously strange.

It's hard to avoid thinking about what might be going on with you when every other minute a different body part is spasming and half of your face is tingling and burning like you have pins and needles in it. All the while being so tired you feel like you can barely roll over. It makes you wonder what could be going on.

I've explained this the best that I can. Not feeling like myself is taking a lot out of me. I don't want to do the things I normally do. I feel like I don't even care about the things I normally care about. I'm scared and I don't think that will change any time soon.

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