Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Waiting Is Hard

Day 3 waiting on results. Waiting for results is a really brutal form of torture in my opinion. Personally, I feel that we should have the right to know what is going on inside of our bodies. The problem is that we may not understand what we're seeing when we look at a test result; but I think we should get some sort of system figured out so that as soon as the results are in, we are informed. I can almost gaurentee that someone, somewhere, has already looked at my scans and made some sort of a decision. Yet, I am still here, wondering what might be going on in my brain. I get it and I know that some people wouldn't handle it well; some people are terrified there's a chance they could be ill. But when you are already ill and have been for as long as I have, you want all the answers you can get. And when you've been told "The test results were negative," so many times, you start to wonder.. 


The dilemma I'm finding myself having in this waiting period is how I actually feel about the potential outcomes of the results. On one hand, I could be diagnosed with anything from Multiple Sclerosis, a brain tumor, lesions in the brain.. Anything really. Or, the alternative, which is absolutely nothing. Or as the doctor's say "Everything looks normal." Now, to some of you who have never been through a period of illness like this, I would like to state that this next sentence may sound crazy and unbelievable to you.... 


I'm almost hoping that they find something. I know how that sounds. It sounds like I'm wishing for an illness or a disease. But unless you've been in this position, I think it's probably hard to understand. The thing is, whether or not there is a disease or illness causing these symptoms; I AM HAVING THESE SYMPTOMS. I am currently living with these symptoms. Would it be so awful to know why they are happening? I'm at the point where I can comfortably say, any answer is a good answer. Even if that answer is something as scary as a tumor, or something as life-changing as MS. Either way, I will know. I will have an answer. For once.


Anyway, I've tried to take comfort in prayer the last few days and give myself some peace of mind. But it's proving to be quite difficult and I'm constantly waiting for the phone to ring. I'm leaving town for a few days today as well and I'm worried the doctor's office will call with results as soon as I'm gone. All of these things are causing anxiety and worry and it's all messing with my head. I'm glad to go away for a few days and be distracted and enjoy spending time with friends and loved ones. But that worry is and still will be there in the back of my mind. Right now though, I'm feeling so very thankful for the friends and family that are being supportive and just listening and trying to understand how I feel right now. It means so much more to me to have someone listen and try to understand rather than falsely assuring me that I'm okay or that I'll be fine and "I bet the results won't show anything." because, these things, in a situation like this, are not comforting. 


I already know that I'll be fine. I'm fine now. I've been fine for a long time. I could go through hell and back and still be fine. Because I'm used to fighting and I'm used to living in a body that attacks itself. But please, even if you're saying in the spirit of comfort and love, please do not tell me that I will be fine or that you're sure nothing is wrong. This isn't comforting and it doesn't feel like it's being said out of love. If you truly understood and took the time to know how I feel and how these things are effecting my life; you would want me to have answers. You would want me to know what is wrong; so I can work on fixing it or at least managing it. 


So as I continue to wait for results and answers; I just want to remind you all to please consider what you are saying before you say it to someone in a sensitive situation such as this. I appreciate all of the support and kind words; but sometime's the things that you say in times like these, are not comforting at all. I'm a person who likes to know how it is. I like honesty. Brutal honesty. I don't sugar coat things and I like to know what to expect. I like to be prepared and informed. I'm not scared that I may have a disease; I can live with that. I'm scared that I'll go through life without ever having an answer as to why I'm in so much pain. And maybe that seems crazy but I'd rather know what is going on than be left in the dark for the rest of my life.

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