Friday, February 19, 2016

I Can't Brain Today

"Brain fog is defined as a feeling of being somewhat disconnected or spaced out, mentally confused and lacking clarity, focus and concentration. Other symptoms may include a decrease in short-term memory, reduced attention span and the onset of forgetfulness"


If you've ever experienced a concussion you may have experienced some brain fog. What's really frustrating is when you experience brain fog on the regular without an injury provoking it. Sometimes I think I'm doing really well and making improvements and then the most ridiculous things happen that set me back again. Today, I realized that my brain fog is getting a lot worse. You when when you're overtired and you start doing things that just don't really make sense? Usually when that happens, we just get some sleep and it's better in the morning. But true brain fog is a whole other thing...


Have you ever walked up to a microwave and entered your ATM pin? I have. It's things like this that happen on the regular that make us feel like we are losing our minds.


Yesteday, I was looking all over the place for the butter. Someone had bought grocceries the night before and I put them away. I knew that there was butter. I knew I had put it away but for the life of me, I couldn't find it. It wasn't where I normally put the butter. I looked all through the fridge, in all the cupboards, all over the kitchen and even went outside and looked in the van incase it had fallen out of the bag. But I remembered holding the butter in my hand and putting it away. Eventually, I gave up because I couldn't find the butter. Later, my dad told me that he found the butter. It was standing up on it's end in the freezer with the frozen juices. Because apparently I put it there.


Today, I went to the freezer to get out the chicken breasts that I needed to make dinner and after pulling them out and setting them on the counter I realized that there was entire head of cauliflower in the freezer. Frozen solid. I had also apparently put the cauliflower away in the freezer.


It's things like this that make me wonder how often these little things happen without me even realizing.. It is infuriating when you realize that you've made these silly mistakes. It's embarassing and frustrating and makes you want to yell at yourself for being so stupid. But, it's also kind of hilarious at the same time. I figure, if I can't laugh about the little things, my health problems will destroy me. So, I'm learning to laugh through the frustration and through the moments where I feel as if I may be losing my mind. 


It's a process though, learning to live with brain fog. Like when you leave a message for someone on their phone and try to tell them what number to call you back at and you completely blank.... because you cannot for the life of you remember your own phone number. And then there's the awkward part where you don't want to leave a message saying, "Hey call me back at ........ uh.... Actually I have no idea what my phone number is, so bye..." Because this is seriously what happens.


People ask me questions all the time about why I get anxiety in social situations or anxiety about driving a vehicle. It's because I literally panic when I have to talk to someone that I'm not used to talking to because my brain is foggy and I trip over my words and I stutter and mix up the order of my sentences. I sound like a paniced little child trying to get out my thoughts. Why don't I drive anymore? Because I can't trust myself to be safe on the road. I can't remember to go the right speed, look at the street signs, stay on the road, remember to keep an eye on the other cars around me. I don't trust my memory or my thought processing enough to drive safely. My thoughts jumble up in my head and I can't remember what I need to be doing or why I'm doing it. How am I to be trusted driving a vehicle when I get up to walk to the washroom and end up closing the door on myself? 

(I am literally laughing out loud as I write this because I know how crazy it sounds)


I'm trying to move forward and to do the best that I can. But there's some things that I just need to do differently than others and I'm learning that that's okay. Your journey won't always make sense to everyone else and that is completely okay. As long as your journey makes sense to you. Celebrate the little victories, laugh through the confusion and the frustration as much as you can and take care of yourself the best way you know how.

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