Thursday, January 1, 2015

Anxiety Permitted

After my last post, I've gained a little confidence to be able to do what I need to do. Tomorrow I'm finally going to go to the hospital and get the tests done that I have been avoiding. My nerves about this have not diminished but I guess they have started to lessen. When you have Chronic Illness there are certain pains that you learn to deal with so much so that when you feel them, you almost just ignore them. But then once in a while, there may be a pain that you don't recognize. It's not familiar, you don't know how to make it go away and you don't know what could be causing it. This is the pain that causes me great anxiety.

This anxiety has been present in my life for the last month and has gotten increasingly more present as time passes. I do not want to admit that there may be something seriously wrong. I already have enough wrong with me to feel like I can handle another disease or illness. Maybe, it's nothing big. But maybe it is. After weeks of somewhat pursuing it and deciding to take a step back and not look into it any further. Letting the pain wear off a little and convincing myself that I don't need to get any tests done. Then feeling like your getting smacked with this new and unusual pain all over again. 6 weeks later and it still has not subsided. You finally admit that there is something going on. 

At this point, I know I need to go get tests done. The unpleasant tests that are painful, humiliating and that make you feel like a pin-cushion. The doctors appointments and time spent in the hospital that makes time mover slower than it ever does in the real world. The time away from the comfort of your home and the company of loved ones. But it needs to be done and life will go on. 

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