The last thing I feel like doing right now is writing. But my mind is tangled in thoughts and theories and worries and this is how I get them out. I've said before at the beginning of writing this blog that I usually figure out how I'm feeling after I read what I've wrote. Right now, I know what I feel. I just feel the need to get it out of my head and into words. I'm scared.
While I was living it, the past year seemed dull and easy enough to deal with. Looking back, I see how overwhelmed and stressed I've been. I'm the kind of person who will hold every little thing in until one day, every few months or so, I just crack. There's always a build up. Then, there's the downfall. I am in the midst of that downfall and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel like I usually can. I don't often tell people who are close to me how emotionally challenging it is to live the life I'm living. My life appears to be simple and easy to most people from what I gather. Until you are living it, you can't begin to understand the unbelievable amount of stress and guilt that overwhelms me. Over the past year I've experienced pain so intense it was like that of a pregnant woman's labour pains, the feeling of my bones grinding together as if they were turning into dust as I walk, the tingling and inflammed sensations of my muscles cramping, aching and hurting, the effects of insomnia that make you feel as if you're going crazy from lack of restful sleep, the draining fatigue and terrifying quickened heart rate of anemia, the hormonal crap that is caused by endometriosis and a load of medications that were prescribed by five different doctors. On top of the phsyical, there lays a grave full of emotional symptoms to long to list.
I know this blog is supposed to be a place you can feel some encouragement, but it's also a place that I have vowed to be honest. I'm scared of what the future holds. I've realized that I spend so much time dreaming up this amazing and wonderful future life in my head. I'm pursuing the degree I want to have the job I've come to desire. I'm passionate and determined to get this life that I may never be able to actually participate in. Dreaming up a fantasy like that is a huge distraction. I can't decide whether it will do more harm or good. I'm glad I can picture myself living a life full of everything I desire but on the other hand, it terrifies me to know that I may never get to have even a little of that picturesque life.
I've decided that after the new year, I'm going to figure myself out. I need to accept that my body cannot do what I need it to do right now. I can't do the things I want to be able to do. The fear of seeing unknown doctors who will poke and prode at me is staring me in the face. The fear of having a camera shoved down my throat and into my stomach is inevitable. The bloodtests, the needles, the endless questions, the medications, the pain. How can I not be scared? You learn to live with the pain because you have to, but you don't always learn to deal with your emotions. The thing about emotions is you can never fully figure them out, they're always changing. I can only hope that I can find some inner peace to get through this rough patch.