Thursday, December 4, 2014

This Ain't A Bakery?

Alright folks, I don't doubt that you're wondering what the heck I mean by 'This Ain't A Bakery' but let me explain... There's this quote that I just love and it goes like this, "This is not a bakery, I don't sugarcoat anything." Plain and simple. 

I'm hoping that little quote sums up the theme of this blog. This ain't a bakery, and I'm not going to sugarcoat anything that I write about. Ernest Hemmingway said, "Write hard and clear about what hurts." That is something I intend to do for the rest of my life. I don't claim to write eloquently or beautifully, I just write honestly. I have no interest in pursuing some higher education in literature of any sort but I have found that writing is the most expressive outlet I have in my life. When I come away from writing and take a look over what I've wrote, I realize how I feel. One of my biggest weaknesses is not accepting my emotions. I will over-analyze a situation and try to make sense of it for days on end. I truly cannot decide how I feel about it until I write it out. The entire time I'm writing it's like I'm anxiously waiting until I'm finished so I can read it over, out loud, and see what I was really feeling the whole time. Writing gives me closure and it makes me feel strong.

In writing this blog, I hope that you all will get to know me better. I'm the person who when you first meet is shy and often socially awkward. It's this strange anxiety thing with me. Meeting new people is one of my least favourite things in the world. I come off as avoidant, rude and arrogant (So I've been told). Until I feel I have something in common with someone, I will hold up that wall. Eventually, it crumbles around me and I'm usually happy once it does because I can embrace this new wonderful person and finally enjoy talking with them. Once you get to know me, you'll realize that I'm basically just ridiculous. I don't know how to act, ever. It's like I am either strictly thinking about how I must behave or I am not at all considering what I am doing. There is no in between. One minute, I'll be seriously considering when I'm going to get a cup of coffee and why I want it and whether I should have it or not and the next I am lunge-walking (literal lunges) into the kitchen while singing Talk Dirty To Me in a middle-eastern accent. I do not make sense.

As you're beginning to see, I have two sides. The strange fun-loving dreaming laughing ridiculous side and the deep-thinking over-analyzing factual realistic side. I struggle a lot with having these two polar opposite sides of my personality. The thing that magnifies these struggles is Chronic Illness. 

I was always a fairly healthy kid. A bit accident-prone, maybe, but healthy. I competed in gymnastics, spend most of my time outside, loved riding my bike and swimming. Everything was a breeze and life was always great. Sometimes I wish I was still that carefree kid who had all the energy in the world. Sometimes I wish I didn't know the pain that I know now.

Chronic Illness entered my life when I was 12 years old. It began with arthritic-symptoms, then asthmatic symptoms that were misunderstood. It then turned into lung problems and heart conditions, then a dropped diagnosis because there was never a clear answer. Next, Endometriosis entered into my life. Right alongside Endometriosis came chronic fatigue and chronic pain, depression, anxiety and panic attacks. A couple years later, add Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis and Anemia into the mix. And there I am. Smack in the middle of a medical mess that I have no idea how to clean up.

This blog, is about my journey. My journey in life. I will tell you upfront, most likely, a lot of this blog will relate to Chronic Illness. Contrary to popular belief, this isn't because I want to gain sympathy or because I want to complain. Unless you've lived with Chronic Illness or Pain you do not realize how much of your life it takes up. I love to write about my life, my personal experiences, my opinions, my struggles, my happiness.. As much as I wish it wasn't, Chronic Illness is a part of my life. Writing helps me understand my journey better and that's really what this blog is all about.

2 comments:

  1. I had written a longish comment and then when I signed in using Google, I lost everything...I don't have the strength to do it again. another time. my daughter, Michelle Quigg, suggested I check out your blog. thank you for sharing yourself!

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  2. Jeanie, Thank you so much! And I completely understand. I really hope you enjoyed the blog. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Michelle told me she was going to pass it along to you so I really hope it was worth your while. Wishing you a pain free sleep!

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